Where do you look to confirm your worth?
Have you ever thought about the fact that we may all unconsciously look for worth outside of ourselves? In fact, if you look a toddler, you can see that we are biologically programmed to want those caring for us to love us…thus potentially driving some sort of primal wiring for external worth. Do we think that wiring somehow vanishes as we get older? I think not.
To answer this question, you might start with contemplating the components, as well as analyze your own lived experience (i.e. how are you acting in the world). Firstly, what does it mean to confirm worth? Worth typically means something like meaning or value.
As a way to focus the question, we can start to assess how we might be acting in order to feel valued. Do the opinions and feelings others have towards you impact the way in which you act? How has society impacted who you are? What are your ways of checking to see if you are valuable or adding meaning to the world?
Knowing the answers to these questions may be a major signal as to where you are putting pressure on yourself to be a certain way. And where there is pressure on the self, there is certainly a lack of ease and lack of authentic being. This is not to say that we cannot strive for something, but is it truly what we want and who we are?
When I was in university, I took a track to go into the most hardcore finance job there was and managed to “succeed” at it. At the time I had no clue why I was doing this (at a deep unconscious level). Hindsight is 20/20 and some of the reasons I can come up with now are:
It validated me as a top student. (Achievement orientation is a big sign of looking for worth).
It would make my father and brother proud of me. Plus I would justify all the money being spent on my education.
If I did really well, I could make a lot of money and maybe that would make me feel better about myself.
I have an 18-month old son so this topic is very present for me. How do I want him to act and be in the world? I surely don’t want him to feel as though he needs to make me happy or proud. If he did that, he wouldn’t be finding his own inner worth…he would be using me an external marker/validator. So how can I act in an unbiased manner when praising him or encouraging him? If he and I are both able to navigate this, he will be closer to finding his authentic self that I was.
Take a look at ways in which you act (or don’t act). For example, a close family member told me she never traveled in her life because she felt guilty to leave her husband and kids at home. Her worth was tied up in what others may think and how she was raised. This was a huge insight for her.
Feel free to drop me a line if you care to share how you look for worth or have any questions about this.
With you on the path,
Joe
